This week has been a week of some great highs and not so
fun lows. It’s been a whirlwind of emotions because my contract has ended and I
have begun to say my goodbyes and wrap up my time here in Mexico. It’s a
strange, new season for me because I am seeing the Lord close some doors from
my life and experience here in Mexico, and at the same time open new doors for
my future and life back in the States again for who knows how long. I’m
beginning to “transition,” reflecting on all the mighty ways he has worked in
my life just in the past 12 months, yet also still being fully present here and
seeing how he continues to transform me and use me until the day I leave.
This past week I have found myself reflecting on some
pretty heavy questions and topics when it comes to ministry work and discipling
others. I found myself hitting some major bumps in a couple of my ministries.
Overall I’ve been frustrated at seeing people so close to knowing Christ
personally or growing in spiritual development and then they just hit a wall
and everything stops suddenly. I have been thinking so much about “How do I
inspire someone to desire to spend time with Christ, to experience Him as
intimately and beautifully as I get to? How do I share this amazing Lover that
I have, who desperately wants to be a Lover to these girls as well? If I try to
inspire them with my words and my actions, and nothing is changing, is there
something in my life and heart that I need to examine and change?” And of
course, this isn’t exactly how I imagined closing out my ministry work here.
Well, in fact, “closing out” is such a weird term to use, because these are
dear relationships that I have developed with some really special girls over
the past 9 months and I can’t really say that I am “closing” them. At least not
in the same manner that I can say that I am finishing, or “closing” my
administrative work in my ministry with El Pozo.
I have learned so much about ministry during my year here
in Mexico. I’ve learned that “ministry” is more than just tasks done and
relationships built, but about the life that I live out each day with Christ
radiating from within me. I’ve learned how essential it is to be plugged in and
soaking up His love for me in my personal relationship with him before going
out to pour into others. I’ve learned that the people you least expect to get
along with can be the people who in turn become your very best friends and whom
you care for so deeply because you see how much the Lord actually cares for
them. I’ve learned that effective ministry requires a strong, committed
intentionality, and a selfless love that expects nothing in return. I’ve
learned that when we truly surrender our lives over to Jesus, everything
changes and God’s mighty power is released even more into this earth before our
very eyes.
While my heart grieves a little in knowing I will be
leaving this all behind very soon, I am also filled with such joy and
thanksgiving in remembering everything amazing and good that I have been gifted
with these past 12 months. Actually, just last night I was telling a friend,
“You know, I really have no reason to cry and be sad. I can’t think about losing anything because God has never withheld any good thing from me and I
know he will continue to guide me moving on from this. Better to have a heart
of thanksgiving and rejoicing.” And this has been my desire since I stepped
foot back into Mexico on March 2nd- to rejoice in everything and
leave these beautiful people with the memory of my smile, laughter, and joy
that the Lord has given me in being loved by Him. I nearly didn’t make it back
here this semester, and many people questioned whether it would really be worth
it to come back for only two months. But I have given thanks every day for the
Lord allowing me to come back because He wasn’t done with me yet in what He
wanted to do through my life in this place. These past ten weeks have been
filled with double the memories and experiencing His goodness than my last
semester here. And more importantly, I have seen just how sweetly and
drastically the Lord has transformed my heart within these last ten weeks to
really give even more of a testimony to His goodness and great love for each of
us.
A little more than a year ago, on March 8th,
2013 I was officially accepted into the Avance Missions Immersion Program. I
wrote in my blog a few days later:
“I don’t even know where to
begin. So many thoughts and emotions. Excited but terrified. Expectant yet
completely clueless. Hopeful and humbled that the Lord is allowing me to be a
part of his global mission in this way.
I think back to my life this time three years ago when I was a senior in high
school and I am so amazed at how drastically the Lord has moved mountains and
changed me. Never could I have imagined that I would be sitting here tonight
ready to go where the Lord is sending me- to a place I honestly cannot imagine
living in and would never have desired to go to in the first place. But yes,
that is often where God calls us. It isn’t cliche, but continual evidence of
God’s desire for us to deny ourselves and follow Him. How can you truly deny
yourself when you decide to go to a place you already desire to go and would be
completely content in regardless of God’s placing you there? The moving of the
Holy Spirit should be the marker of our lives, not our own desires and
decisions that follow suit.”
Here I am a year later and still amazed at God’s moving mountains in my
heart. Like I said, I never would have desired to come to Mexico and I was not
really eager in anticipating living here. But that was a year ago, and God is
just so gracious in how he doesn’t let us keep our hearts of stone and he gives
us hearts of flesh, beating and pumping His warm blood through our veins. I’m
sitting here today, sad about leaving and praying the Lord allows me to come
back to this place and these people that I have come to call family and home. I’m
sitting here today, “officially certified” as a bilingual speaker, even though
when I came here a year ago I couldn’t tell the difference between “mordida”
and “gordita”. I’m sitting here today, still experiencing the Lord transforming
me and challenging me in trusting Him in ways I have never had to before. I’m
sitting here today, just in complete awe at God’s faithfulness to answer our
prayers and draw us closer to Him when we are willing and waiting on His
perfect timing.
