Managing Grief

I chose the title of this post to be "Managing Grief" to expose the fallacy of this statement and to also share about my experience of believing this fallacy for the past 8 weeks. On this day two months ago, I boarded a plane leaving Mexico for the third time in the prior 12 months, and probably for my last time for the next 6 months at least. It was a truly, deeply difficult and saddening day for me. I couldn't stop crying for the 5 hours leading up to my plane taking off the ground. And I continued to cry for a good hour on the flight in the air.

It was such a difficult experience for me because I kept thinking "It's too soon to say goodbye" - a thought most of us have at the passing of a loved one and a reflection of the emotions we experience in that grief. Confusion at trying to understand a timing that wasn't planned by our own mind and a longing for the future days and memories that would no longer be shared and held with that special loved one.  I didn't recognize it at the time, but I was experiencing grief in a way like I had never experienced before. And because I didn't know how to identify it, I became consumed by it over the following weeks and dealt with more pain than I ever could have imagined on that day leaving Mexico.  

For the past two months my heart has grieved greatly. I have had nights after nights of trying to understand God's timing in calling me back to the States and trying to discover His purpose for me in this new season. I've spent many hours crying and crying, dwelling in the pain I've experienced from leaving my friends and faith family in Mexico to come back to the town I grew up in to start all over again. Just as I began to call that crazy, overly crowded, smelly, loud, uncomfortable city my "home", I was called back to my family's house in this small town at the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains, completely clueless as to what I would do next and how I would MANAGE this new season of my life.

But here is that fallacy again. Believing that I could MANAGE. Manage my grief, my reverse culture shock, my transition into living a completely different lifestyle than what I had been experiencing for the past year.

A couple of weeks ago, however, I had a really sweet night with Jesus after hearing a great sermon at church. It was an intimate encounter with his freeing truth that I desperately needed and longed for. I started to realize that I had been getting caught up in viewing God’s will for me as something he wants me to DO, rather than someone he wants me to BE. I had been so worried about my future and what I will DO, that I had lost sight of letting the Lord teach me about who he wants me to BE in this world. I had been beating myself up, questioning the real value of the life I am living right now, what I am DOING, and comparing it to what I DID in Mexico. I kept telling myself, and letting myself believe, that because I am not “doing” ministry work anymore, my life isn’t as fruitful for the Kingdom as when I was in Mexico. And because I haven’t been “doing” really anything “of value,” I am not finding any fulfillment or joy from this season I am currently in. I had focused so much more on the “doing” rather than the “being”, and this great sadness and deep pain had overwhelmed me as a result.

I think this must be an experience other missionaries experience in seasons of transition, especially if they have stepped away from the mission field for a time. I think the enemy has been very cunning in his scheme to discourage and attempt to bring down God’s people in this simple strategy of convincing us to believe the lie that we aren’t “good enough”. I think I am not alone in this difficult season that I have experienced lately, and so my hope with the rest of this post is that someone else out there might be just as encouraged and freed as I was by this truth that trumps over the enemy’s lies you might be hearing right now.

One of my all-time favorite books that I continue to pick up to read over and over again is “Beautiful Outlaw” by John Eldgredge. If you have never read it, you should stop reading my blog and go purchase this book and start reading it immediately. When I first read this book, I couldn’t put it down. Well, I kept putting it down because I would stop to reflect on what I was reading and would journal my thoughts as I went through the book, but I read this book at any moment I could find for a week straight. I carried it with me everywhere.

This book exposes the personality of Jesus in a way like I had never experienced before. I thought I was in love with Jesus before I opened this book, but those emotions and love I had for him were only the beginning of this rushing fountain that burst forth after seeing and experiencing Jesus in a more intimate way through this book. I could go on for days about how great of a teaching tool this book is and what freedom one can find in hearing these truths about our loving Savior in a language like we haven’t really read before, but I won’t. I’ll just share an excerpt from one of the chapters towards the end of the book that I really believe reflects more eloquently what I was going through the past few weeks in transitioning being back in the States and the truth of the freedom that comes from Jesus to bring us victory over these lies and schemes to which we might have fallen prey. In the final chapter, “Letting His Life Fill Yours” John Eldgredge writes:

But let me tell you, few things can mess you up as badly as trying to do your best. For the tender heart, the earnest heart, it is so discouraging to give all you have trying to do what you think Jesus would have you do, and find yourself falling short, sabotaging your own efforts at every turn. Discouragement and shame settle in like a long Seattle rain.

            And this is what most Christians experience as the Christian life: Try harder, feel worse.

            I spoke of cunning traps that replace the simple priority of loving Jesus. Here is a very surprising one- the trap of integrity. What I mean by this is when our attention turns to maintaining personal righteousness. This seems noble and right. Jesus told us to keep his commands. But this can be a trap because most Christians interpret this as “Try harder; do your best.”

            I find myself slipping back into this weekly. A handful of symptoms tip me off. Exhaustion, for one. I’ll just find myself wrung out again. Or an unnamed internal distress; my insides all twisted up. Discouragement, that old nagging cloud of “I’m totally blowing it” back over me. Irritation with needy people. These symptoms- and a host of others- are the collateral damage that results from trying my best. They let me know I’ve fallen back to thinking that to love Jesus is to give my very best in living for him. And this is a sticky business. Because on the one hand, that’s true- to love him is to obey. But out of what resources? From what fountain of inner strength?

            I thought it was my faithfulness. My integrity. A willingness to sacrifice, to fight well. And of course we are involved; of course our choices matter. But didn’t Jesus warn, “Apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5)? The good news is this- you were never meant to imitate Christ. Not if by that you mean doing your best to live as he did. It ought to come as a great relief. Something inside me says, Well- that’s certainly been my experience. But without understanding that I was never meant to do my best, I feel awful about it.

            In a biography of Christ which is good in many aspects, I ran across this terrible snare. The author describes the mission of Jesus as,

a spiritual revolution, the replacement of the unreformed law of Moses by a New Testament based on love and neighborliness, which could be embraced by all classes and all peoples… Life on earth was to be devoted to a self-transformation in which each human soul strove to become as like God as possible, a process made easier by the existence of his son made man, thus facilitating imitation.

           

            It is an evil and crippling distortion. Jesus didn’t start the Peace Corps. The secret to Christianity is something else altogether- the life of Christ in you. Allowing his life to become your life. His revolution is not self-transformation, but his transformation of us, from the inside out, as we receive his life and allow him to live through us. Vine, branch. Anything else is madness…….

           

God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun. (Romans 8:29-30, The Message)

            Jesus stands first in the line of humanity that God is restoring. He is not merely a model- that would be unreachable, crushing. He is the means by which God is restoring our humanity. That is what Christianity is supposed to do to a person. This happens as his life invades ours.

BUT HOW?

Love Jesus. Let him be himself with you. Allow his life to fill yours.

            Every day, give him your life to be filled with his. This is part of what I now pray, every morning:

           

                        Lord Jesus, I give my life to you today, to live your life.

            Of course, this assumes that you are willing to surrender your self-determination. You’ll find it hard to receive his life in any great measure if you as the branch keep running off on your own, leaving the Vine behind in order to do life as you please. Honestly, I think this is why we accept such a bland Jesus, or a distant Jesus- he doesn’t intrude on our plans. I said earlier that one of the most bizarre realities of the religious church is how loving Jesus is considered optional, extra credit. The same sort of madness has crept in with the idea that you can be a Christian and hold on to your self-determination.

            And how is that going, by the way?

            If you are not drawing your life from Jesus, it means you are trying to draw it from some other source. I’ll guarantee you that it’s not working.

            Jesus was simply stating a fact of nature when he said, “Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it” (Matthew 16:25). Grab for life and it falls through your fingers like sand; give your life away to God, and you will be a person his life can fill. If you want the real deal, if you want to experience the lush, generous, unquenchable, unstoppable life of Jesus in you and through you, then surrender your self-determination.

                        Lord Jesus, I give my life to you today, to live your life.

            The more you give the parts of your life over to Jesus, the more his life is able to invade yours. The relief alone is worth the price.

Praise!

Yesterday I received my official diploma stating that I am bilingual! I am just in awe of the Lord's work in my life through this past year and I never could have imagined walking away in a couple weeks with all the incredible gifts and blessings He has given me during my time here in Mexico. 

Thank you so much to everyone for your prayers and financial support that have carried me through this life-changing season! I wouldn't have been able to do any of this without the support from each of you! 

Willing and waiting

   This week has been a week of some great highs and not so fun lows. It’s been a whirlwind of emotions because my contract has ended and I have begun to say my goodbyes and wrap up my time here in Mexico. It’s a strange, new season for me because I am seeing the Lord close some doors from my life and experience here in Mexico, and at the same time open new doors for my future and life back in the States again for who knows how long. I’m beginning to “transition,” reflecting on all the mighty ways he has worked in my life just in the past 12 months, yet also still being fully present here and seeing how he continues to transform me and use me until the day I leave.

    This past week I have found myself reflecting on some pretty heavy questions and topics when it comes to ministry work and discipling others. I found myself hitting some major bumps in a couple of my ministries. Overall I’ve been frustrated at seeing people so close to knowing Christ personally or growing in spiritual development and then they just hit a wall and everything stops suddenly. I have been thinking so much about “How do I inspire someone to desire to spend time with Christ, to experience Him as intimately and beautifully as I get to? How do I share this amazing Lover that I have, who desperately wants to be a Lover to these girls as well? If I try to inspire them with my words and my actions, and nothing is changing, is there something in my life and heart that I need to examine and change?” And of course, this isn’t exactly how I imagined closing out my ministry work here. Well, in fact, “closing out” is such a weird term to use, because these are dear relationships that I have developed with some really special girls over the past 9 months and I can’t really say that I am “closing” them. At least not in the same manner that I can say that I am finishing, or “closing” my administrative work in my ministry with El Pozo.

    I have learned so much about ministry during my year here in Mexico. I’ve learned that “ministry” is more than just tasks done and relationships built, but about the life that I live out each day with Christ radiating from within me. I’ve learned how essential it is to be plugged in and soaking up His love for me in my personal relationship with him before going out to pour into others. I’ve learned that the people you least expect to get along with can be the people who in turn become your very best friends and whom you care for so deeply because you see how much the Lord actually cares for them. I’ve learned that effective ministry requires a strong, committed intentionality, and a selfless love that expects nothing in return. I’ve learned that when we truly surrender our lives over to Jesus, everything changes and God’s mighty power is released even more into this earth before our very eyes.

    While my heart grieves a little in knowing I will be leaving this all behind very soon, I am also filled with such joy and thanksgiving in remembering everything amazing and good that I have been gifted with these past 12 months. Actually, just last night I was telling a friend, “You know, I really have no reason to cry and be sad. I can’t think about losing anything because God has never withheld any good thing from me and I know he will continue to guide me moving on from this. Better to have a heart of thanksgiving and rejoicing.” And this has been my desire since I stepped foot back into Mexico on March 2^nd- to rejoice in everything and leave these beautiful people with the memory of my smile, laughter, and joy that the Lord has given me in being loved by Him. I nearly didn’t make it back here this semester, and many people questioned whether it would really be worth it to come back for only two months. But I have given thanks every day for the Lord allowing me to come back because He wasn’t done with me yet in what He wanted to do through my life in this place. These past ten weeks have been filled with double the memories and experiencing His goodness than my last semester here. And more importantly, I have seen just how sweetly and drastically the Lord has transformed my heart within these last ten weeks to really give even more of a testimony to His goodness and great love for each of us.

    A little more than a year ago, on March 8^th, 2013 I was officially accepted into the Avance Missions Immersion Program. I wrote in my blog a few days later:

    

“I don’t even know where to begin. So many thoughts and emotions. Excited but terrified. Expectant yet completely clueless. Hopeful and humbled that the Lord is allowing me to be a part of his global mission in this way.
    I think back to my life this time three years ago when I was a senior in high school and I am so amazed at how drastically the Lord has moved mountains and changed me. Never could I have imagined that I would be sitting here tonight ready to go where the Lord is sending me- to a place I honestly cannot imagine living in and would never have desired to go to in the first place. But yes, that is often where God calls us. It isn’t cliche, but continual evidence of God’s desire for us to deny ourselves and follow Him. How can you truly deny yourself when you decide to go to a place you already desire to go and would be completely content in regardless of God’s placing you there? The moving of the Holy Spirit should be the marker of our lives, not our own desires and decisions that follow suit.” 

    Here I am a year later and still amazed at God’s moving mountains in my heart. Like I said, I never would have desired to come to Mexico and I was not really eager in anticipating living here. But that was a year ago, and God is just so gracious in how he doesn’t let us keep our hearts of stone and he gives us hearts of flesh, beating and pumping His warm blood through our veins. I’m sitting here today, sad about leaving and praying the Lord allows me to come back to this place and these people that I have come to call family and home. I’m sitting here today, “officially certified” as a bilingual speaker, even though when I came here a year ago I couldn’t tell the difference between “mordida” and “gordita”. I’m sitting here today, still experiencing the Lord transforming me and challenging me in trusting Him in ways I have never had to before. I’m sitting here today, just in complete awe at God’s faithfulness to answer our prayers and draw us closer to Him when we are willing and waiting on His perfect timing.

Family Time

     The past week or so I have been blessed to spend a more-than-usual amount of time with my dear host family. We went to the canals in Xochimilco (which are called "Las Trajineras"), we had Ivanna's 3 year old birthday party, and we went out to eat one night to celebrate finishing my Spanish exam! I thought I'd share some more pictures so you can put faces to the names of the people that have been caring for me and loving me in their family since last September. 

 

   

Ministry Updates

  I've decided to take a quick break from studying Mexican law and reading through their legal process (more on this later) to give an update on how the past two weeks have been and what I am up to now. I can hardly believe that two weeks has already passed since I have been back. At first things were going slowly as I figured out my new weekly routine. But now I am getting to fill my time doing some awesome things that I am excited to share about. 

   First off, I am back at El Pozo de Vida (The Well of Life) helping out in whatever capacities I can. For those of you that don't know, The Well is a Mexican non-profit organization that fights human trafficking and modern day slavery. We have four main areas in which we work which are: prevention, advocacy, intervention and restoration. I am currently helping mainly with prevention and advocacy, but I also am involved with intervention and restoration as well in more discreet ways.
   For the advocacy part, I am helping the social workers to learn more about the individual laws and protocols that have to do with human trafficking, both nationally and internationally. I will also be giving a workshop to the girls in the house on the justice system in April and am currently working on preparing my material for that. Many of you may be thinking, "How does she even know Mexican laws?" and the truth is I don't and am starting from scratch! I've been spending many hours the past week reading the Constitution, the basic foundation of the Mexican government, and bugging all my Mexican friends to help explain to me so much of this that I don't understand. 

   There have definitely been moments where I have had to stop, take a deep breath, and remember that God placed me in this ministry and He will equip me how He sees fit to do this work well. It's been a really humbling time through this major learning curve, but at the same time I am finding such strength and peace that only comes from my Heavenly Father and have really been enjoying my time with Him in a way I have never experienced before.
   The prevention aspect that I am working with comes in the form of the ministry team that goes to the immigration jail every Saturday to work with the women and young boys that are detained there. See this previous post for a more in-depth story about my first time with this ministry. I'm continually humbled and changed through these experiences on Saturday, and I am also really delighting in the team with whom I get to share these experiences. Most of them are Mexican, and all of us come from different organizations, so it is so sweet to see such diversity working for one common goal: freedom. This team and what were are getting to do each Saturday is such a beautiful reflection of the Gospel and God's Kingdom and I am continually blown away by how blessed I am to experience this here in Mexico. 

    Another "activity" that I have been doing is discipling a couple of girls that have befriended me. The times that I get to spend with each of them are some of my favorite times of the week for me because there are few words to describe how encouraging and uplifting it is to have friends that are nationals and are so supportive and excited for you to be here. Below is a picture of my dear friend Paulina who is studying Graphic Design at UVM and probably my best Mexican female friend :D 

   
    
    Monday night and Sunday afternoon I also got to spend some time hanging out with the "jovenes" (the youth) from my church. I usually don't go to their Sunday School class because I am helping instruct the class for the new believers, but despite not having spent much time with them last semester, they have welcomed me with wider than open arms and I have really enjoyed getting to share life with some of the girls in particular. I am very excited to see where the Lord leads my friendships with some of them and I am praying that He will help me to continue to open up my heart to love on all the young ladies that He brings across my path. 

Beautiful Things

Beautiful things today: brilliant sunrise, peaceful quiet time, lovely flowers, and spending time back at The Well. One of the sweet girls lit up when she saw me and kept saying "I missed you so much!" Its amazing to see so much growth since she joined us at The Well in September. My heart is so full right now. 

Day 1 Back in Mexico

So many giggles and laughs shared with this beautiful girl today. 
I am so blessed to have her in my host family!

   Well the sun has set on my first day back in Mexico and it has been such a whirlwind of a day today! Oddly enough, there are still a couple of "culture shock" little things to which I am going to have to readjust, such as speaking and hearing Spanish ALL THE TIME (that's kind of a given obviously but my brain is sure reeling right now). In this precise moment I am in this hide-and-seek battle with a couple of mosquitoes that have already managed to infiltrate my bedroom, which is quite a contrast to the cold weather I left behind in Georgia just a few hours ago. The cars outside my window are honking and speeding by just as ruthless as always, but tonight as I'm listening to all the bustle and hustle of the city sounds again, I am ever more grateful for the endless opportunities to work for the Lord and His Kingdom that await me in this busy place. I know I only have two and a half more months here, but I think that makes me even more determined to give it my all and make this the most transformational two and a half months of my life yet! I'm ready to love more deeply, to listen more gracefully, to speak more boldly, to serve others more readily, and to get more lost in the Lord than I have ever been in my life! If it isn't apparent yet, I am going to bed tonight with a great big smile on my face as I just begin to soak up all this love and grace He has poured into my life in this particular season! :D
  

Waterfalls

     The other night the Lord graced me with a little bit of insight and deeper understanding into the reality of who He is and my relationship with Him. He took me to this vision, where I saw a magnificent waterfall cascading over rock faces and trickling down into a steady river that eventually turned into a long, calm creek. And I began to realize that the Lord's grace and love is like that waterfall. It exists in that hidden forest whether we see, hear, and experience it or not. There isn't really anything we can do individually to cause that abundant waterfall to cease to exist.
     There will be moments in our life where we are so far away from the mighty rushing of its water hitting the flat face of the surface below it. We may be miles and miles away from its beauty, and perhaps only being able to see the long, difficult journey that lies ahead to get to that place of wonder. Or perhaps we are coming down to the riverbank, taking a pause to refresh and drink of the crystal clear sweetness, and as we reach down to draw it near we hear the subtle rumbling of the waters upstream that run down at a faster and more ferocious pace than where we are sitting right now. We wonder, "What does a sound like that look like? What power and source drives a current so great in distance as this river I am just beginning to see?"
     Some of us picture that joyous waterfall secretly tucked away in the mountains that lie at our backdoors. Others remember that magnificent picture they witnessed on foreign ground to their determined feet.  No matter where in the world that mighty waterfall may be for you, it is truly only a pleasure and experience that we may take part of when we choose to travel, to pick up our feet, to stumble through the rough spots, to soak in the sunshine, to get a little wet, and to dare to be brave. It is already there, waiting for us to come and drink from it, bathe in its gloriousness, relish in its beauty, and be renewed by its splendor. God is there waiting. And His grace and love are pouring out incessantly. "So come now, and take it all in," He offers our longing hearts.