Today we had a team talk about culture shock, and I feel as though I must be honest with my prayer and support team and share a journal entry from last week that reflects one of the more difficult days I have had lately, mainly because of culture shock settling in. So here I share my honest thoughts, and you will see that I am not some mightily strong missionary woman but just a broken sinner in need of a Savior daily like everyone else. Let me not pretend to be someone I am not.
June 19, 2013
What a day! Very, very tired right now so my thoughts may be scrambled. Today started with an absence of quiet time in His Word leading to a short temper and some moments of lacking grace with my roommate; thoughts of "I hate the Metro! Why do Mexicans put up/subject themselves to this torture of cramming into a car?"
But most of all my mind lingered on this: "How much easier it is to say yes and believe yourself to be willing, and desiring, to go where the Lord will send you when you are surrounded by the comforts of a nice hotel room to return to and a jumbo screen projecting flashy images and lyrics, thinking about how it is just a place to go to, never really call home, because "home" will always be where rest is plentiful, communication is easy and instantaneous, and everyone else is waiting for you to return. How much easier it is to raise your hand, stand up, or sign a card in response. Yet it isn´t until you are being streched in that place do you begin to see the true desires and intentions of your heart. Right now I desire to have at least 6 inches of space around me. I desire to be sitting down on a bus that doesn´t stop randomly nor let more people on when it is already full. I desire to have one night of sleep where I can sleep through the night without being woken up by all the city sounds outside my window. I desire a soft pillow to rest my weary mind upon. I desire the comforts of culture I´m used to already.
Oh Lord, I know your Word to be true, and your personality to be unchanging, so please teach me, try me, and help me to know you truly as my Great Comforter, that I may find full peace and rest in your arms. How much harder it is to say yes to you right now, in the midst of all that is breaking me down, but here I am Lord on my knees surrendering it all to you, and I say yes today, this day. I leave these at the foot of the cross, resting in the pool of your cleansing blood- Oh how my heart needs cleansing!"
My mentor meeting with Jackie was blessed as well. I shared with her that patience is what I hope for the Lord to teach me the most about this summer- patience with my roommate, patience on the Metro, patience with my church, my family, and the people of Mexico, patience with myself and not getting frustrated, patience in waiting and trusting the Lord with the silence, the unknown, the uncertainty, and not dwelling on what He has in store for me in the future. The Lord certainly has a sense of humor because I was immediately given the opportunity to practice having patience with another competely packed, humid, and slow Metro ride home from that meeting.
Grateful to have experienced my first street evangelism excursion here today. I´m not so sure how I feel about quick 5 minute Gospel presentations- I wonder if they are honoring and glorifying to the Lord and the depth of the message of the Gospel, as well as if they are really effective in Kingdom-building. I´m much more of a relationship-building, discipleship type of evangelism person. It was extremely challenging though, and I felt kind of like a failure because I couldn´t direct the conversations how I wanted them to go, mainly because I couldn´t come up with the words in Spanish. But it at least opened my eyes and my heart to what I should do in preparing my testimony to share and having spiritual conversations in Spanish. I desperately desire to be able to communicate this with the people here- I really don´t care about worrying in adjusting in any other aspect except for being able to share my faith and testimony. Praying for Mineal (16-year-old Tourism student who is a Catholic and doesn´t find it hard to be a Christian at all- I jokingly said to him, "Well I guess we have a Saint here now do we?" which probably wasn´t the best thing to joke about with him, but truly I was at a loss for how to steer that conversation into the saving grace of Christ, but again, I surrender him to the Lord now. It´s out of my hands) and Victor (20-something-year-old man who believes in many gods- Pagan- and felt rejected by God when He didn´t answer his prayers in a time of depression and unemployment).
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